An Open Letter To The Person I Once Loved

Hi Em,

I wrote this letter to let you know how down I was and how well I am today. On the 9th of January 2016, you broke my heart into a million pieces. That was the day I died inside. You told me you didn't love me anymore and I didn't matter anymore and that you had sex with someone who was better than me.

That was the day I lost everything. I lost my friends, I lost my time with my family, and most of all, I lost myself.

I had sleepless nights. I didn't eat right. I worked out more than I should and exhausted myself by running kilometers after kilometers after kilometers. I tried to find my way out inside this huge maze of doubts and fears.

I abused my body. I smoked like shit and didn't speak with anyone.

I cried for months.

I cried almost everywhere. In my room, in the office, even in the washroom.

I didn't know who I was but that didn't matter.

I unloved myself. I hated myself. I cried everytime I heard the phrase "always and forever." That was our tagline, remember? That was "us".

The bad things that happened in the past that made me upset more than anything and anyone else in my world suddenly made sense.

Remember when I didn't come to my sister's party because of you? You knew how important that was to me and my sister. Where were you when my dog died? You said, "aso lang naman yan." Didn't you know how much Casey meant to me? I asked you to come with me to visit my friends' wake...but you didn't come with me, did you? You never let me. Instead, you wanted me to stay at home with you. Did you know much it hurt to lose someone? I guess that's a stupid question to ask, eh? You lost me and you felt...i don't know..nothing.

Until one day, I found myself traveling up north. I went there alone. I didn't know where to go, where to eat or to stay. I just went there with nothing but the backpack you gave me last Christmas, a few shirts, a pair of shorts...and a photograph of yourself in my wallet.

...I cut your picture into pieces out of frustration. I did it because I was hurt.

I made a habit of leaving a piece of your picture wherever I traveled. You were with me, always.

I've gone to many places up north and all the way down south.

I went to different places. I climbed mountains. I crossed rivers. I chased waterfalls. I entered caves. I went island hopping. I tried some of the most oddly satisfying cuisines. I swam with turtles and other underwater creatures...and guess what? I found Nemo!

I felt...alive. I became myself again.

I guess that's the real beauty of coming out of your comfort zone. You know, like realising how great you are even if you are not with the person you thought would complete your own fairy tale with a happy ending.

Because once you lose yourself, you only have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.

They say life begins at 40 - but that's just a number if you ask me. I say life begins when your heart breaks big time.

So thank you for breaking my heart. Now I know who I really am. Now I know what I want and most importantly, now I know who will I become.

I can finally say that I am out of this cage full of hate.

Cheers to this last piece of your picture. I don't believe in forever but I believe in "always."

You will always be that person I once loved...and will always be that one person I will never, ever, in my entire life, love again.

Kind regards,

Em